Hit the 'play' button

A few years ago I hit the pause button on my life.  No one told me to.  No one recommended it.  I was even warned against it. Yet pause I did.
Hopefully? Yes.  Foolishly? Maybe.
If I stayed still enough and quiet enough, if I didn't push or prod everything in my life would return to what it was.
But while I sat paused, life passed me by.
It went on without me it seems. 
Now I find myself reeling.  The painful decision to un-pause, to hit play - is difficult enough.
By pressing play I am actually deciding to discard the life I had been paused for. The one that I see now already went on without me.
Life is an impatient thing, it waits for no one.
Now I find I need to reintroduce myself to friends, to goals long forgotten and to life.
The self imposed stasis held me immobile even while some deep hidden part of me was crying to get out.
The only reason I know this is because there is a voice inside rejoicing that I am finally saying these things out loud. 
Saying them doesn't make them easier, saying them makes them more painful. 
Saying them makes it real. It is out there. 
You cannot deny it.
So I'm hitting the play button on my life.
It's going to suck. 
It's going to hurt. 
It's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. 
I have to do it. 
So much of life has passed me by already.

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Attitude of Gratitude - 30 Days of Being Thankful

For any one interested in my journey through Gratitude - Here are my 30 days:


Attitude of Gratitude - Day 1/30: I am grateful for my gorgeous family. My children that continue to be an amazing, exasperating and inspiring source of joy in my life are 4 of the reasons for my life.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 2/30: I am so grateful for my home. It shelters me, my family and welcomes my friends. I cook, clean, relax and lay down to sleep in my own home that I helped build with own two hands. There is nothing else like it in the world.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 3/30: I am so grateful for the love in my life. The love I receive from my friends, my family and the love I can share with others. Sometimes it's sweet, sometimes it hurts but my life would be barren without it. It's there to remind us of those we have now, those we have lost and there when we lay eyes on our children for the first time. Soul deep encompassing love is something I am very grateful for.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 4/30: I am grateful for my health. I am living and breathing and so very fortunate to be healthy. When there are so many others who struggle to maintain their health or even recover it I have it.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 5/30: I am thankful for being pushed outside of my comfort zone. So many amazing things can be found just beyond our comfort zone. All it takes is a little step or a little push and you will be truly amazed at what is waiting for you. I'm always so hesitant to take that step, held back by fear of the unknown; for all those in my life who have pushed me, never let me quit or never given up that if you bugged me enough I would eventually take that leap - I am eternally grateful!

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 6/30: I am grateful for the art of being eloquent. Call it what you will insightful, heartfelt, verbosity or plain ol' BSing I've always had a knack of saying something meaningful in a memorable way. I've helped friends who didn't know how to say something - say something. I've also expressed feelings and emotions in ways that touch others. I love the feeling I get when I can get just the right words to say just the right thing. From helping someone say "I'm sorry" to wording the perfect application letter for a chance at a new home, I'm so grateful that I have this gift.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 7/30: I am thankful for my parents. Through the frustration and obnoxiousness that was me when I was younger they stuck with me and never let me down. They've had my back and are always there to support me even when I'm too proud to admit I need help. They have been great role-models teaching me to stick up for what I believe in and be true to myself. As I raise my own kids I have realized both how horrible I was :-) and how wonderful they are. I will be forever grateful to them! xoxo

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 8/30: I am grateful for keeping my mouth shut. Sometimes taking a deep breath before you speak is just as important as what you want to say. I think this is something everyone needs to work on but knowing when NOT so say something has come in pretty handy.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 9/30: I'm grateful for my job. I know, I know, work can stink sometimes and it can be frustrating, intolerable, aggravating and irritating, but I'm so grateful that I have it. Especially in this day and economy I'm grateful that I have a secure job doing what I enjoy and with friends that make it worth while. It helps me afford a house of my own, support my family and plan for my future.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 10/30: I'm grateful for books. I've read my fair share and I hope to write one oneday. The good, the bad, the boring, the romantic... There is nothing else in this world that can lead you from outerspace to inner peace and back again. Books teach, inspire, holdup tables and can contain the universe! I think I could die a happy woman if all I did for the rest of my life was read books.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 11/30: I'm grateful for long forgotten memories. You know the ones I mean... You're sitting there talking about some long time ago with someone and suddenly WHOOOSH something long forgotten comes back to you as if it just happened? The sight, smell, taste and sound are all there as fresh as ever. It's like a little gift from the past.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 12/30: I'm grateful for kindness. It takes so little sometimes to make someone's day. Sometimes when you are having the worst day all you need is a little kindness. You never know what is going on is someone else's life so being kind can sometimes make all the difference in the world. I'm grateful for the kindness that I have been shown - especially at those time I've needed it most.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 13/30: I'm grateful for silence. Every now and then there is just too much going on. Too many sights, too much sound, too many distractions. If you can just take a minute to do nothing. Find some quiet and soak it up. Sometimes it can make the difference between stress and bliss.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 14/30: I'm grateful for #NaNoWriMo. Described by it's creator as "30 days and nights of literary abandon" It's definitely not for the faint of heart. It's not even something for the extraordinarily gifted. It's just a good old fashioned kick in the pants for anyone who has ever even IMAGINED what it might be like to write a book. Equal parts inspiration, perspiration and desperation - I look forward to it every year.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 15/30: I'm grateful for perseverance. Sometimes there is just no way around it - things are hard! Sometimes it takes a wake up call to inspire action but when it's necessary I know I can make anything happen if I put my mind to it. Sometimes overcoming obstacles is more satisfying than actually accomplishing your goal.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 16/30: I'm grateful for laughter. Spontaneous, full bellied, smothered, tear inducing - there is really nothing quite like laughing with your friends. Memories of shared joy and hilarity to this day are some of my fondest memories... So many good memories.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 17/30: (queue the fanfare) I'm grateful for John Williams. One of the most brilliant composers of all time - I dream his music. ♪ Not to mention he scored THE greatest movie of all time.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 18/30: I'm grateful for being myself. It was a lesson that took me many years to learn, but no other lesson has brought me more happiness.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 19/30: I'm grateful for every single man and woman who has or is working in the United States Armed Forces. It's a hard, nearly thankless job - putting your life and talent on the line. You sacrifice your time, health, family and are even willing to lay down your life for our country... for me. It seems too small a message for such an overwhelming and humbling feeling of gratitude that I have for you. But in my own small corner of the world I'm so grateful and from the bottom of my heart Thank You all very very much. Happy Veteran's Day.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 20/30: I'm shocked that it took me till #20 to get here but I'm grateful for Star Wars!

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 21/30: I'm grateful for music. My girls were just dusting off their "Jingle Bells" - flute, oboe & trumpet ringing through the house. A little off key? A little rusty? A little loud? Sounds perfect to me.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 22/30: I'm grateful for a friendly ear. Sometimes I just need to vent! To scream! To rail at life! And sometimes I really don't want advice, I don't want solutions, I just need to get it out. I'm so grateful for those "ears" I have in my life that give me that chance and know me well enough to understand what I need!

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 23/30: I'm grateful for sweet-smelling babies. They're cute, they keep the species going, and they keep otherwise sane women from making insane decisions based on hormones and ticking biological time-pieces. It's no coincidence that I'm surrounded by friends and family that are suddenly having babies. And THANK Heaven!

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 24/30: I'm so grateful for friends. For the ones in my life everyday and the ones in my life once in a blue moon. I'm grateful for the friends that I can not see for years and still catch up like we've never been apart. I'm grateful for new friends that just are beginning to touch my life. I'm especially grateful for the friends who know me well enough to not let me fall through the cracks, the ones who don't give up on me and won't let me give up on myself. ♥ Thank you.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 25/30: I'm grateful for family traditions. I just spent an hour or so listening to my Mother teach my daughter how to make homemade pie crust. Next week it's the Christmas cookie recipie that's been handed down through 4 generations. This time of year is full of so many wonderful things that brings my family together: tree decorating, cookie decorating, gift giving, Christmas lights viewing... I know that when my children have their own families they will be making the same cookies & piecrust and will decorate their trees the weekend after Thanksgiving - just 'cause - and I will smile.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 26/30: I'm grateful for my hands. There is so much power in my two hands. The power to clean, to build, to care, to sooth, to create, to teach, to protect, to heal... It's really amazing.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 27/30: I'm so grateful for facebook. As silly as it sounds I love keeping up with happenings in my family and friends' lives! I love hearing about births, marriages, funny stories, new developments and being reminded of the good-old-days. It has re-connected me with people I thought were long-lost and connected me with new people I would have never known otherwise! Who knew?!

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 28/30: I'm grateful for my children. I know I've already been grateful for my family - but being grateful for my children is another thing entirely. It's hard work raising kids. There are days where I've cried myself to sleep wondering how I'm going to keep at it, but I can honestly say there is nothing more exciting, wonderful or joyful than raising my kids. Watching them become their own people has brought me to tears some days, to my knees others and to unimaginable heights of love and pride. They are my reason for being. The things I am most proud of in this world and I would not be me without them. Chris, Meg, Court & Shannon: I love you all so much and am so humble and grateful to have you in my life. ♥

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 29/30: I'm so grateful for the holiday season. I don't really care what you celebrate during this time of year either. Even if you celebrate something at all. There is something magical about this time of year. The air is crisper, cleaner and the the people are nicer, more thoughtful and happier. At least the people I know. I wish it could be like that all year long... minus the cold but hey! It would be a start! Happy Holidays Everyone!

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 30/30: I knew I would be grateful for this exercise in Thankfulness but I didn't know how much. Being truly thankful may not be so hard - Really, truly recognizing my thankfulness has been very hard. It's made me question what makes me, me; what is most important to me; and the people and things that I need to handle with care. I really did think long and hard about each thing I am thankful for and it was quite a trip. It may have not been 30 days in a row but I got 30 days out of it and I encourage each and everyone reading this to give it an honest try. If anything I hope it will open your eyes to all the wonderful things you have NOW in the middle of the craziness that is life. It has for me.

So National Novel Writing Month was a bust... probably because I knew I didn't want to be writing the story I was writing.  I mean I liked it well enough but it just wasn't catching my imagination.  I think I'll put it on the shelf for a bit and concentrate on what is in my head... again.

It's Halloween Again?

I KNOW I'm not the only mother out there who pulls together Halloween costumes for the kids 10 minutes before they need to get to school/party/go trick-or-treating.  So why can't I learn my lesson and INSIST on doing this year after year?  I've made kick-ass costumes in the past - why don't I just do it again?? No I MUST make it as stressful and uninspiring as possible! At least I'll get candy.

Good Advice

I apologize for not knowing who wrote this but I got it in an email today and it was too good not to share!

1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 
2. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. 
3. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 
4. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker. 
5. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 
6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 
8. Never buy a car you can't push. 
9. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 
11. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 
12. The second mouse gets the cheese. 
13. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 
14. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 
15. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. 
16. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once 
17. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. 
18. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 

Where to Start?

I found this old unpublished rant and thought it fits pretty much wherever.  So here you are...

Everyone wonders where they should start when they are trying to START something.  So where do I start? There is so much I want to change.  Well maybe not so much change, maybe rediscover.  I think my frustration with my current self, is that inside I still want and desire the same things that I've always wanted.  Just because I'm a divorced single mom doesn't make me any different that the woman I was when I first got married.  Now granted I'm more experienced and definitely older but I let myself get lost along the way.

Is it possible to not lose yourself along that path?  I see lots of successful women who juggle career & family, some who choose to stay at home with family, some who chose to not have a family.  Why can some of these women seem to handle their choices so successfully when I... don't?  I look at my family and I honestly cannot imagine myself without them - that fantasy where I get the time machine and can go back in time?  No matter how many times I imagine it I always end up going back to after all of my children were born.  So what is it that has made me feel like, along this path that I've chosen to travel, I've also chosen to lose myself? Whatever it is I don't like it.

I'm not happy.  There's a lot I want to change.  So starting today - or yesterday if I want to be technical about it - I'm going to change.  Hmm, although the more I think about it, the more that "change" isn't the right word for it.  Maybe I'm going to let myself be a better me. A happier me, the me that I still am.  Somewhere in all this... lostness.

Best Friends Day!?

I saw randomly online that today is Best Friends Day. I wonder if that is true.  Hmmm I wonder if we really need a Best Friends Day?  I could probably use one since I'm a terrible friend! Well not really - but I'm horrible at staying in touch with people, returning calls and just getting my butt out the door if I'm invited somewhere.  I think half the sentences I've ever said start with, "Oh I'd LOVE to but..." SIGH.  So while I'm lamenting my complete lack of friendship skills go and say "Hi" to one of your best friends.  I'll get around to it too.

Keno & Nick: Family adopts service dog | CapeCodOnline.com

Keno & Nick: Family adopts service dog | CapeCodOnline.com

A truly inspirational story! Had to share this!